I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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