Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
