You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
