He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
