nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I deserve this hangover.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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