Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
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