PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
