when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i need some magic done to my vagina
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
