FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
