got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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