cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
two words: eviction party
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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