If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
