So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
