I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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