if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
