boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
