I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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