Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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