Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
