it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
