it hurts more in the daytime
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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