if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
