I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
