guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
