we're blogging at a bar
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
