hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
is that a dick in a sweater?
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