just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
