some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
