Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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