Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
