I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
