There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
