we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
