Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
