I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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