tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Congratulations! We have a period
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
