the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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