You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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