Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Hippo gnu deer
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
