TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
