It's Friday. Sex?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
