We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
