On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
