sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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