Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
