So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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