im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
