why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
