Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
it's like iHOP with fire
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
