Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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