I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
