Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
